AEON GINSBERG
Body Dysmorphia Hidden in the Leaves
Naruto isn’t a boy /
Naruto becomes the hokage /
is looking to be held broth to noodle /
to soften / to fill a bowl big enough
to make someone feel loved /
to get to be feminine and also succeed at doing so /
Show me a boy who transforms themselves
feminine and I will undress my dysmorphia /
show you my youngest trans-self gender
identity as being worthy of companionship
identity as knowing yourself / show me
a boy who dresses as a woman and finds joy
and I will show you my past / will become
stealth and hide in the shadow of my body /
dysmorphia iron / maiden myself
noodle bowl / my mouth is a pout /
let me suck with/out apprehension and I will
canonically Naruto uses a ninja art
dubbed “sexy no jutsu” at age twelve
and I research how to tuck into nothing /
canonically Naruto uses “sexy no jutsu”
and was shunned for having a demon
locked inside themself until
proven useful to praise /
canonically Naruto uses “sexy no jutsu”
and still got to fall into the arms of a lover
who saw them as a whole self / hold me
as I art myself into the body I need to have
to make it through the night / bless the ninja
that hides in the forest even when the leaves die /
bless the body held through fire and took the burns
and the bones and turned them / into safe haven /
sanctuary city my blood /
hidden in the leaves / a country of closets /
bless the world with room for girls like us / who know
the shape of their belly best in shadows /
limp like noodles / mouths full / broth pursed lips /
I don’t need you to show me something
I can just as easily perform / watch
as I smoke bomb my body booby-trap /
to make yourself into one million women
is a forbidden art so forbid me into something
unwritten / bind my body into a sealed scroll /
teach me how to gesture myself into permanent
suppleness and I will / what doesn’t kill you
makes you stronger but I would love to be
the soft and whole noodle / true / even if
for only a moment it meant that being me is seen as an artform.
I don’t need you to love me as I am
if it means you won’t let me
grow into what I need to be to live longer.
Naruto isn’t a boy /
Naruto becomes the hokage /
is looking to be held broth to noodle /
to soften / to fill a bowl big enough
to make someone feel loved /
to get to be feminine and also succeed at doing so /
Show me a boy who transforms themselves
feminine and I will undress my dysmorphia /
show you my youngest trans-self gender
identity as being worthy of companionship
identity as knowing yourself / show me
a boy who dresses as a woman and finds joy
and I will show you my past / will become
stealth and hide in the shadow of my body /
dysmorphia iron / maiden myself
noodle bowl / my mouth is a pout /
let me suck with/out apprehension and I will
canonically Naruto uses a ninja art
dubbed “sexy no jutsu” at age twelve
and I research how to tuck into nothing /
canonically Naruto uses “sexy no jutsu”
and was shunned for having a demon
locked inside themself until
proven useful to praise /
canonically Naruto uses “sexy no jutsu”
and still got to fall into the arms of a lover
who saw them as a whole self / hold me
as I art myself into the body I need to have
to make it through the night / bless the ninja
that hides in the forest even when the leaves die /
bless the body held through fire and took the burns
and the bones and turned them / into safe haven /
sanctuary city my blood /
hidden in the leaves / a country of closets /
bless the world with room for girls like us / who know
the shape of their belly best in shadows /
limp like noodles / mouths full / broth pursed lips /
I don’t need you to show me something
I can just as easily perform / watch
as I smoke bomb my body booby-trap /
to make yourself into one million women
is a forbidden art so forbid me into something
unwritten / bind my body into a sealed scroll /
teach me how to gesture myself into permanent
suppleness and I will / what doesn’t kill you
makes you stronger but I would love to be
the soft and whole noodle / true / even if
for only a moment it meant that being me is seen as an artform.
I don’t need you to love me as I am
if it means you won’t let me
grow into what I need to be to live longer.
POEM IN WHICH I TRANSITION TO THE TUNE OF BIG KRIT’S KING OF THE SOUTH AS
READ BY MARY SHELLEY
everybody wanna see a monster
till they see a monster,
the monster holla out – what’s shakin?
I too have fought to be this restless,
actually Frankenstein is the doctor,
so the monster was the genders we were
along the way.
Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein as a way
to tell the men around her that she will never die,
I too have threatened my life in front of those
who would otherwise have me exhibited.
light at the end of the tunnel /when
you’re flexin’ it’s hard to be humble
Dr. Frankenstein tried to flex on death
and built death a body that could flex back.
When the light comes – flex
like there is no tomorrow, what a way to go.
The pills shift the body fat, and so
the muscles look and don’t look impressive;
I am lucky to be against my body in a way
that makes it look fit – flexing on my disorders.
I’ve been quietly waitin
deep in my dungeon, my stomach
was rumblin’, my belly was achin’
for so long the closet was a safety,
then became a coffin, then became a safety again.
It’s a shame to ask pills to do for me,
what I cannot do for myself.
Everyone wants to see a freakshow
and so I walk in the open, unafraid by my own shadow
Everyone hopes for the monster to kill itself – so it does.
The monster in me asks the world to dance around it – so it does.
I done proved them wrong like twice,
can’t stop my fight
A boy calls my body a boy and I interject –
actually this body is the monster, I am the one
that resurrected myself against death.
You: I am become death
Me: I am the genders that death forgot
fuck em, fuck em,
fuck em, fuck em,
fuck em,
I said it six times cause
it’s my pleasure – say it one more time
just for good measure,
fuck em.
READ BY MARY SHELLEY
everybody wanna see a monster
till they see a monster,
the monster holla out – what’s shakin?
I too have fought to be this restless,
actually Frankenstein is the doctor,
so the monster was the genders we were
along the way.
Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein as a way
to tell the men around her that she will never die,
I too have threatened my life in front of those
who would otherwise have me exhibited.
light at the end of the tunnel /when
you’re flexin’ it’s hard to be humble
Dr. Frankenstein tried to flex on death
and built death a body that could flex back.
When the light comes – flex
like there is no tomorrow, what a way to go.
The pills shift the body fat, and so
the muscles look and don’t look impressive;
I am lucky to be against my body in a way
that makes it look fit – flexing on my disorders.
I’ve been quietly waitin
deep in my dungeon, my stomach
was rumblin’, my belly was achin’
for so long the closet was a safety,
then became a coffin, then became a safety again.
It’s a shame to ask pills to do for me,
what I cannot do for myself.
Everyone wants to see a freakshow
and so I walk in the open, unafraid by my own shadow
Everyone hopes for the monster to kill itself – so it does.
The monster in me asks the world to dance around it – so it does.
I done proved them wrong like twice,
can’t stop my fight
A boy calls my body a boy and I interject –
actually this body is the monster, I am the one
that resurrected myself against death.
You: I am become death
Me: I am the genders that death forgot
fuck em, fuck em,
fuck em, fuck em,
fuck em,
I said it six times cause
it’s my pleasure – say it one more time
just for good measure,
fuck em.
Aeon Ginsberg (they/them) is a trans feminine agender writer and performer from Baltimore City, MD. They are the author of the chapbooks 'Until The Cows Come Home' (Elation Press, 2016) and 'Loathe/Love/Lathe' (Nostrovia! Press, 2017). Aeon is a Taurus, a barista, a bartender, and a bitch.