BRENNAN BESTWICK
After A Series of Dreams In Which Hayden Panettiere Attempts to Kill My Family
This feud you keep pushing on us
like your syndicated ABC Family
bastards, are not welcome here.
Hayden, leave us.
Never again will my mother jump
sharks like Heroes when all 5’2” of you
throws us to the jaws of the Atlantic.
Your days of invading my pharmacy
with a harpoon gun aimed at my father
in the Bengay aisle are through.
My pharmacist, will return to only
fending off my gastroenteritis.
I hate Beth Cooper.
I hate Wikipedi-ing your filmography
every night before bed to defend myself.
You can kiss my teeth with the head
of a banjo a thousand more times
and I still won't DVR Nashville.
This ends tonight. I will wait for you
in the darkest corners of my unconscious.
You will remember this titan.
I will rock you like the theater seats
of whatever shit Michael Bay’s
blowing up this week.
A Bug’s Life will become
your biopic, ending in the rage
of my rolled up sports page.
Ready your spirit fingers
for hand to hand combat,
because this nap’s an all-nighter.
Bring it on.
After A Series of Dreams In Which Hayden Panettiere Attempts to Kill My Family
This feud you keep pushing on us
like your syndicated ABC Family
bastards, are not welcome here.
Hayden, leave us.
Never again will my mother jump
sharks like Heroes when all 5’2” of you
throws us to the jaws of the Atlantic.
Your days of invading my pharmacy
with a harpoon gun aimed at my father
in the Bengay aisle are through.
My pharmacist, will return to only
fending off my gastroenteritis.
I hate Beth Cooper.
I hate Wikipedi-ing your filmography
every night before bed to defend myself.
You can kiss my teeth with the head
of a banjo a thousand more times
and I still won't DVR Nashville.
This ends tonight. I will wait for you
in the darkest corners of my unconscious.
You will remember this titan.
I will rock you like the theater seats
of whatever shit Michael Bay’s
blowing up this week.
A Bug’s Life will become
your biopic, ending in the rage
of my rolled up sports page.
Ready your spirit fingers
for hand to hand combat,
because this nap’s an all-nighter.
Bring it on.
The Church of Ludgate
for Aubrey Plaza
Some god of give half a fuck
shaped your awkward in her likeness.
You, the almighty messiah of mumble,
the Good Sheppard of shit talk.
We are kneeling at your altar.
Baptize us in bitchy and bitter.
We have all stood witness
to your resurrection of deadpan,
the dust rising from the cupboards.
No cast member from the Sopranos ever
accepted an award thanking both the devil
and every dark lord in their speech,
only you, the goddess of oh my goodness,
the all powerful. If the thunder you steal
from Amy Poehler’s Pawnee parks
could be bottled, Edison would rise again
just to patent it. You archangel,
liquor breathed saint. Never before
has someone shown a GQ interviewer
the knife she’d kill him with and capture
our hearts. No longer will we wander
in the desert of laugh tracks. We have found
our salvation. How awfully out of place
you are and so perfectly need to be.
Brennan Bestwick is an above average hugger and unabashed Gilmore Girls enthusiast. His work has been published in PANK, Used Furniture Review, > kill author, and elsewhere. His spider bites have never been radioactive, hard as he's tried.
for Aubrey Plaza
Some god of give half a fuck
shaped your awkward in her likeness.
You, the almighty messiah of mumble,
the Good Sheppard of shit talk.
We are kneeling at your altar.
Baptize us in bitchy and bitter.
We have all stood witness
to your resurrection of deadpan,
the dust rising from the cupboards.
No cast member from the Sopranos ever
accepted an award thanking both the devil
and every dark lord in their speech,
only you, the goddess of oh my goodness,
the all powerful. If the thunder you steal
from Amy Poehler’s Pawnee parks
could be bottled, Edison would rise again
just to patent it. You archangel,
liquor breathed saint. Never before
has someone shown a GQ interviewer
the knife she’d kill him with and capture
our hearts. No longer will we wander
in the desert of laugh tracks. We have found
our salvation. How awfully out of place
you are and so perfectly need to be.
Brennan Bestwick is an above average hugger and unabashed Gilmore Girls enthusiast. His work has been published in PANK, Used Furniture Review, > kill author, and elsewhere. His spider bites have never been radioactive, hard as he's tried.