Lee Nance
Looking for Love in the Murder Capital of the World
Pt. I: Don’t ever invite a vampire into your house — everyone knows that
A lost boy once took my hand and said I was his only noodle
took my hand and said just you
took my hand and said bottoms up
it’s only a drink
it’s only a bridge
it’s only a night out, nothing to worry about
but it turns out he preferred a different noodle
or maybe she was his only grain of rice
or maybe I’m not a noodle at all
or maybe he’s a maggot
maybe he’s a creature of the night
a goddamn shit-sucking vampire
(he always had bad breath)
you know, this place was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago
you know, this place used to be ours
too bad we built it on a fault
Pt. II: Initiation’s over
All you do is give attitude lately
vampires have such rotten tempers
you think you’re cool, don’t you?
well now I know what you are
now I know what you tried to turn me into
and yeah I guess I blew it, man
I guess I lost it
I guess I unraveled in the face of the enemy
though to be fair, he did pull a mind-scramble on me
to be fair, he did open his eyes and talk
but lucky for me, you missed sucka!
lucky for me, I didn’t invite you this time
lucky for me, it’s my turn and you’re history, buddy
so burn rubber!!!
and if you ever come back here I’ll stake you without even thinking twice about it
if you ever come back here I’ll make you drink holy water, death-breath
(a little vampire humor)
to the cats I say: we’re on our own — just the way we like it
to the cats I say: um, can I sleep in here with you tonight?
time to activate Plan B
Pt. III: This one could save your life
O Moonbeam, O Moonchild
O God of Sex — S-A-X — God of Sax
mane slicked back, chest glistening in the firelight like a thousand stars
you know, it’s been a long time since somebody asked me to go to dinner
so shake your sweaty hips and tell me --
could you ever love a worm like me?
inquiring minds want to know
come on, take me to the boardwalk
take me to the video store
take me to the diet frozen yogurt bar
are we having fun or what?
take me to your cave
take me to your canopy bed
(that’s as close to town as I like to get)
talk to me about frogs, brother
talk to me about very serious books, man
talk to me about Rob Lowe’s white tank top, Mr. Phoenix
Mr. Earring
Mr. Brand New Leather Jacket
talk to me about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
talk to me about truth
about justice and the American way
about how people are so, so strange
about how far you’re willing to go
I want you to pay close attention
take off your glasses and look at me like a baby pussycat
take off your glasses and look at me like a normal human woman
like you’re at the mercy of your sex glands
like you care so much about me
like I’ll always be that girl from the boardwalk
like this won’t ever hurt
don’t turn on the light
just build me a blazing fire and feed me root beer and double-thick Oreo cookies
just draw me a hot bubble bath and climb on in
tell me that we’ll never grow old
tell me that we’ll never die, but if we must
that we’ll die simultaneously
staked to the same stereo
just sing to me, please, sing to me about people like us and places like this
about heartache and hope and pain and grief
remind me why, amidst all these bloodsuckers
all these hounds of hell
all these damn vampires
I really do still believe
Pt. I: Don’t ever invite a vampire into your house — everyone knows that
A lost boy once took my hand and said I was his only noodle
took my hand and said just you
took my hand and said bottoms up
it’s only a drink
it’s only a bridge
it’s only a night out, nothing to worry about
but it turns out he preferred a different noodle
or maybe she was his only grain of rice
or maybe I’m not a noodle at all
or maybe he’s a maggot
maybe he’s a creature of the night
a goddamn shit-sucking vampire
(he always had bad breath)
you know, this place was the hottest resort in Santa Carla about 85 years ago
you know, this place used to be ours
too bad we built it on a fault
Pt. II: Initiation’s over
All you do is give attitude lately
vampires have such rotten tempers
you think you’re cool, don’t you?
well now I know what you are
now I know what you tried to turn me into
and yeah I guess I blew it, man
I guess I lost it
I guess I unraveled in the face of the enemy
though to be fair, he did pull a mind-scramble on me
to be fair, he did open his eyes and talk
but lucky for me, you missed sucka!
lucky for me, I didn’t invite you this time
lucky for me, it’s my turn and you’re history, buddy
so burn rubber!!!
and if you ever come back here I’ll stake you without even thinking twice about it
if you ever come back here I’ll make you drink holy water, death-breath
(a little vampire humor)
to the cats I say: we’re on our own — just the way we like it
to the cats I say: um, can I sleep in here with you tonight?
time to activate Plan B
Pt. III: This one could save your life
O Moonbeam, O Moonchild
O God of Sex — S-A-X — God of Sax
mane slicked back, chest glistening in the firelight like a thousand stars
you know, it’s been a long time since somebody asked me to go to dinner
so shake your sweaty hips and tell me --
could you ever love a worm like me?
inquiring minds want to know
come on, take me to the boardwalk
take me to the video store
take me to the diet frozen yogurt bar
are we having fun or what?
take me to your cave
take me to your canopy bed
(that’s as close to town as I like to get)
talk to me about frogs, brother
talk to me about very serious books, man
talk to me about Rob Lowe’s white tank top, Mr. Phoenix
Mr. Earring
Mr. Brand New Leather Jacket
talk to me about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
talk to me about truth
about justice and the American way
about how people are so, so strange
about how far you’re willing to go
I want you to pay close attention
take off your glasses and look at me like a baby pussycat
take off your glasses and look at me like a normal human woman
like you’re at the mercy of your sex glands
like you care so much about me
like I’ll always be that girl from the boardwalk
like this won’t ever hurt
don’t turn on the light
just build me a blazing fire and feed me root beer and double-thick Oreo cookies
just draw me a hot bubble bath and climb on in
tell me that we’ll never grow old
tell me that we’ll never die, but if we must
that we’ll die simultaneously
staked to the same stereo
just sing to me, please, sing to me about people like us and places like this
about heartache and hope and pain and grief
remind me why, amidst all these bloodsuckers
all these hounds of hell
all these damn vampires
I really do still believe
Lee Nance lives and writes in Los Angeles with her cat daughters, Parker Pawsey and Catrick Swayze.