MEGAN FALLEY
THE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM
for reality television star Theresa Caputo
Theresa Caputo is exactly like every other woman on Long Island. Her body is made up of hairspray and Splenda. Even her bones are French-manicured. You can spot her power-walking to any one of the 10,000 frozen yogurt franchises they have there. The only difference between every woman on Long Island and Theresa Caputo is this: Theresa Caputo can talk to dead people.
She is not the most likely candidate for the job. Doesn’t dress herself up like a crow. Doesn’t move slow, like formaldehyde pulsing through the dead. Theresa Caputo doesn’t have cobwebs for hair and her mouth is always open in an Oh My Gaaaawd shape, never pursed like a casket.
But for whatever reason, while you’re minding your business at a Stop & Shop, this woman, obnoxious enough to star in her own reality television show, approaches you. She’s been tawkin’ to ya dead Aunt Victoria. Ya dead Aunt Victoria is here right now. And Theresa Caputo can prove it with a little truth nugget, an heirloom only you could recognize: the letter J, the word Montawwk, how Aunt Victoria knows you haven’t been sleeping.
Maybe the dead choose the Long Island Medium because her eyes light up more like a department store than a séance. Maybe the dead are so sick of doing their dead things, they want some they can tawk to over cawfee, someone who reminds them of living and not decay. And she gives what cannot be found in a cemetery, in the bone powder on your mantle, in their favorite lake.
Even if it’s a fantastical scam, she tells us what we all want to hear: that everyone we ever buried or burned is gathered in a big room, watching our lives on a flat screen and rooting for us like their favorite team. And maybe our loved ones do wink at us. Maybe they do send a waitress to our table who shares their name. Maybe it was their hand on the lever as the slot machine flashed $10,000. Maybe we have all settled for Faith’s ugly cousin: Coincidence. Maybe everything lost comes back, a childhood toy stolen by the ocean, then returned by its waves.
The best part of the show is watching the tears race out the face of the Skeptic, even though the tears have been trained to sit inside—they can’t help but run, run, at the sight of their loved ones, coming into view.
Megan Falley is a full-time writer, performer, and a two-time winner of the Write Bloody Open Book Competition. Her first full-length collection of poetry, After the Witch Hunt, was published in 2012. Her forthcoming collection Redhead and the Slaughter King is slated for publication in Fall of 2014. Falley was recently featured on TV One's Verses & Flow, a television show dedicated to showcasing the best in music and spoken word. In 2012 she represented New York at the National Poetry Slam as part of the legendary LouderArts Team. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Rattling Wall, The Uncommon Core, and a party of online journals including Muzzle, Vinyl, The Nervous Breakdown, and PANK. Falley developed and teaches an online poetry course called “Poems That Don’t Suck” dedicated to improving the craft of aspiring writers. In 2012 she toured the country and Canada for 100 days in her car delivering electric readings of her poetry and signing books. She lives in Brooklyn, NY with a dog named Taco.
Megan is available for performances, hosting, and workshops for all ages. For booking please contact [email protected]
WWW.MEGANFALLEY.COM
THE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM
for reality television star Theresa Caputo
Theresa Caputo is exactly like every other woman on Long Island. Her body is made up of hairspray and Splenda. Even her bones are French-manicured. You can spot her power-walking to any one of the 10,000 frozen yogurt franchises they have there. The only difference between every woman on Long Island and Theresa Caputo is this: Theresa Caputo can talk to dead people.
She is not the most likely candidate for the job. Doesn’t dress herself up like a crow. Doesn’t move slow, like formaldehyde pulsing through the dead. Theresa Caputo doesn’t have cobwebs for hair and her mouth is always open in an Oh My Gaaaawd shape, never pursed like a casket.
But for whatever reason, while you’re minding your business at a Stop & Shop, this woman, obnoxious enough to star in her own reality television show, approaches you. She’s been tawkin’ to ya dead Aunt Victoria. Ya dead Aunt Victoria is here right now. And Theresa Caputo can prove it with a little truth nugget, an heirloom only you could recognize: the letter J, the word Montawwk, how Aunt Victoria knows you haven’t been sleeping.
Maybe the dead choose the Long Island Medium because her eyes light up more like a department store than a séance. Maybe the dead are so sick of doing their dead things, they want some they can tawk to over cawfee, someone who reminds them of living and not decay. And she gives what cannot be found in a cemetery, in the bone powder on your mantle, in their favorite lake.
Even if it’s a fantastical scam, she tells us what we all want to hear: that everyone we ever buried or burned is gathered in a big room, watching our lives on a flat screen and rooting for us like their favorite team. And maybe our loved ones do wink at us. Maybe they do send a waitress to our table who shares their name. Maybe it was their hand on the lever as the slot machine flashed $10,000. Maybe we have all settled for Faith’s ugly cousin: Coincidence. Maybe everything lost comes back, a childhood toy stolen by the ocean, then returned by its waves.
The best part of the show is watching the tears race out the face of the Skeptic, even though the tears have been trained to sit inside—they can’t help but run, run, at the sight of their loved ones, coming into view.
Megan Falley is a full-time writer, performer, and a two-time winner of the Write Bloody Open Book Competition. Her first full-length collection of poetry, After the Witch Hunt, was published in 2012. Her forthcoming collection Redhead and the Slaughter King is slated for publication in Fall of 2014. Falley was recently featured on TV One's Verses & Flow, a television show dedicated to showcasing the best in music and spoken word. In 2012 she represented New York at the National Poetry Slam as part of the legendary LouderArts Team. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Rattling Wall, The Uncommon Core, and a party of online journals including Muzzle, Vinyl, The Nervous Breakdown, and PANK. Falley developed and teaches an online poetry course called “Poems That Don’t Suck” dedicated to improving the craft of aspiring writers. In 2012 she toured the country and Canada for 100 days in her car delivering electric readings of her poetry and signing books. She lives in Brooklyn, NY with a dog named Taco.
Megan is available for performances, hosting, and workshops for all ages. For booking please contact [email protected]
WWW.MEGANFALLEY.COM