Nicole Connolly
Dream Job
I wanted to be a Pokémon trainer. I bought a new pack of Pokémon
cards with every few dollars in birthdays, good grades, and allowance.
I slipped them into a giant red binder of plastic sleeves. When I felt
nervous and empty, waiting for whatever was going to happen next, I
slid them out and arranged them on my bedroom floor. I pet every
monster in the sigil. I counted my Nidorans. I took out my Blastoise.
He was the most powerful. My penpal from Japan mailed him to me.
This made him closest to the source of all Pokémon. I believed I could
summon him if I shouted his name with enough conviction. I sat in
the top bunk, pointed my card toward the floor, and yelled Blastoise!
Blastoise! I never tried when my sister was in the room. Never hollered
loud enough to bother my parents. I believed it might work if I called
for him in school, the mall, or the center of the cul-de-sac. I was
ashamed of the way I denied him. I believed belief, and full self-
investment, could accomplish anything. I believed many untrue things
about the world and my power for many years. I believed that I had
worked hard, and that they hired me for my demonstrable work and
my hirable skills. I believed this until I met the clients. They followed
me with their lonely bottle service. They followed me with their
expensive hands. Finally, I learned what it was that other people
wanted me to be when I grew up.
I wanted to be a Pokémon trainer. I bought a new pack of Pokémon
cards with every few dollars in birthdays, good grades, and allowance.
I slipped them into a giant red binder of plastic sleeves. When I felt
nervous and empty, waiting for whatever was going to happen next, I
slid them out and arranged them on my bedroom floor. I pet every
monster in the sigil. I counted my Nidorans. I took out my Blastoise.
He was the most powerful. My penpal from Japan mailed him to me.
This made him closest to the source of all Pokémon. I believed I could
summon him if I shouted his name with enough conviction. I sat in
the top bunk, pointed my card toward the floor, and yelled Blastoise!
Blastoise! I never tried when my sister was in the room. Never hollered
loud enough to bother my parents. I believed it might work if I called
for him in school, the mall, or the center of the cul-de-sac. I was
ashamed of the way I denied him. I believed belief, and full self-
investment, could accomplish anything. I believed many untrue things
about the world and my power for many years. I believed that I had
worked hard, and that they hired me for my demonstrable work and
my hirable skills. I believed this until I met the clients. They followed
me with their lonely bottle service. They followed me with their
expensive hands. Finally, I learned what it was that other people
wanted me to be when I grew up.
Nicole Connolly lives in Orange County, CA, which she promises is mostly unlike what you see on TV. She earned her MFA from Bowling Green State University, and her poetry has been published in such journals as Fugue, The Journal, The Boiler, and ANMLY. She has received a scholarship from VIDA for the Sundress Academy of the Arts.