Rachel Mallalieu
Special Victims
Benson Speaks:
Because I could not bear to think about yesterday, I watched SVU again. Benson and Stabler
exacted justice in 41 minutes flat. Exasperated, I asked Olivia Benson, Why do you always
obtain resolution? My patient had a seizure yesterday, and I had to tell her it was because a
plum sized tumor nestled in her brain. Then another patient collapsed and woke up mute and
paralyzed. A stroke might’ve been good news. His brain was filled with blood. It’s likely they will
both die. And here’s where it got weird. Olivia stopped what she was doing and looked right at
me. She slitted her eyes the way she does when she’s talking to a victim who’s too scared to
testify. Like she’s being a bitch, but also tender. And she said, “Rachel, life is hard.” Maybe it’s
because like me, her midsection had thickened, which made her seem wise. Maybe it’s because
this is something I often tell my children. But I felt a small comfort and continued folding the
laundry.
Stabler Speaks:
I know I should read a book, but these days, I’m just too tired. I watch SVU in the bath instead.
Benson and Stabler were dealing with murdered children in the basement of a church, and
Stabler wasn’t doing well because one of the children wore the same pajamas as his son. Elliott
Stabler looks tough with his thick neck and feral eyes, but he hasn’t yet lost his faith. I had to
ask. How do you keep on believing in God when you deal with child murderers and rapists in
almost every episode? I’ve seen so much suffering. There was the pregnant mother shot in the
head in a Walmart parking lot because a man wanted to know how it felt to kill someone. Or the
drunk driver who killed the Sunday school teacher and his twelve your old son. Stabler didn’t let
me finish. Rachel, God is bigger than our finite understanding of him. He doesn’t owe us
anything. At first, I was alarmed, I was in the bath after all. But if Stabler never cheated on his
wife with Olivia Benson, I wasn’t going to flatter myself that an eyeful of my goods would affect
him. He was right of course; God never owed me anything. And I sank deeper into the water and
felt my shoulders relax.
Tutuola Speaks:
All my kids are finally vaccinated, so when school went “mask optional” last week, I allowed
them to attend bare faced. They’ve only recently stopped worrying that I will die, but they played
basketball this season and went to birthday parties. Why am I telling you this? I guess I’m saying
that I know I should be doing things like grocery shopping when I’m not working, but sometimes
I collapse on the couch and watch SVU. Fin Tutuola rarely loses his cool, and usually keeps his
sense of humor, even when he’s dealing with the mess after a woman’s throat has been slit. But
he also struggles with the fact that his son is gay and he’s a Republican, so he’s capable of
surprise. So when the war started and my children started asking me where we’d hide if Russia
fired nukes, it felt natural to ask him. Fin, your job is grinding, and evil is infinite. How do you
get out of bed in the morning? The last two years have destroyed my faith in people, and now this
war in Ukraine. What kind of world are we leaving my children? By now, I expected he would
answer and waited for his reply. I think his eyes might’ve flicked toward mine, but he didn’t stop
what he was doing. As he kneeled over yet another broken body, he muttered to Benson, That’s
messed up.
Benson Speaks:
Because I could not bear to think about yesterday, I watched SVU again. Benson and Stabler
exacted justice in 41 minutes flat. Exasperated, I asked Olivia Benson, Why do you always
obtain resolution? My patient had a seizure yesterday, and I had to tell her it was because a
plum sized tumor nestled in her brain. Then another patient collapsed and woke up mute and
paralyzed. A stroke might’ve been good news. His brain was filled with blood. It’s likely they will
both die. And here’s where it got weird. Olivia stopped what she was doing and looked right at
me. She slitted her eyes the way she does when she’s talking to a victim who’s too scared to
testify. Like she’s being a bitch, but also tender. And she said, “Rachel, life is hard.” Maybe it’s
because like me, her midsection had thickened, which made her seem wise. Maybe it’s because
this is something I often tell my children. But I felt a small comfort and continued folding the
laundry.
Stabler Speaks:
I know I should read a book, but these days, I’m just too tired. I watch SVU in the bath instead.
Benson and Stabler were dealing with murdered children in the basement of a church, and
Stabler wasn’t doing well because one of the children wore the same pajamas as his son. Elliott
Stabler looks tough with his thick neck and feral eyes, but he hasn’t yet lost his faith. I had to
ask. How do you keep on believing in God when you deal with child murderers and rapists in
almost every episode? I’ve seen so much suffering. There was the pregnant mother shot in the
head in a Walmart parking lot because a man wanted to know how it felt to kill someone. Or the
drunk driver who killed the Sunday school teacher and his twelve your old son. Stabler didn’t let
me finish. Rachel, God is bigger than our finite understanding of him. He doesn’t owe us
anything. At first, I was alarmed, I was in the bath after all. But if Stabler never cheated on his
wife with Olivia Benson, I wasn’t going to flatter myself that an eyeful of my goods would affect
him. He was right of course; God never owed me anything. And I sank deeper into the water and
felt my shoulders relax.
Tutuola Speaks:
All my kids are finally vaccinated, so when school went “mask optional” last week, I allowed
them to attend bare faced. They’ve only recently stopped worrying that I will die, but they played
basketball this season and went to birthday parties. Why am I telling you this? I guess I’m saying
that I know I should be doing things like grocery shopping when I’m not working, but sometimes
I collapse on the couch and watch SVU. Fin Tutuola rarely loses his cool, and usually keeps his
sense of humor, even when he’s dealing with the mess after a woman’s throat has been slit. But
he also struggles with the fact that his son is gay and he’s a Republican, so he’s capable of
surprise. So when the war started and my children started asking me where we’d hide if Russia
fired nukes, it felt natural to ask him. Fin, your job is grinding, and evil is infinite. How do you
get out of bed in the morning? The last two years have destroyed my faith in people, and now this
war in Ukraine. What kind of world are we leaving my children? By now, I expected he would
answer and waited for his reply. I think his eyes might’ve flicked toward mine, but he didn’t stop
what he was doing. As he kneeled over yet another broken body, he muttered to Benson, That’s
messed up.
Rachel Mallalieu is an emergency physician and mother of five. She writes poetry in her spare time. Her recent work is featured in Blood and Thunder, Haunted Waters Press, Nelle, Entropy, Anti-Heroin Chic, 2River View, Tribes, Dialogist, Willows Wept Rattle and elsewhere.